


The Fury Stark NEVER AGAIN List

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 14:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by The Skippy List of Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the army. Nick Fury's List of Things Tony Stark is not allowed to do.</p><p>
  <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6606139">A Russian translation can be found here</a>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fury Stark NEVER AGAIN List

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

**Fury's List of Things Tony Stark is Not Allowed to Do (note: items may be added at any time)**

1) Install stripper poles in the Helicarrier.

2) Rename the Helicarrier 'The Batcave' and declare Batpoles emergency evacuation routes.

3) Replace all government issued underwear for female agents with bikinis.

4) Replace all government issued underwear for male agents with thongs.

5) Rename bikinis 'military morale boosters'.

6) Rename thongs 'urban athletic supporters'.

7) Hack SHIELD's internal memos and globally replace 'Fury' with 'Smoldering Hottie'.

8) Hack SHIELD's computerized P.A. system and have it sing 'Daisy Daisy' instead of 'Reveille'.

9) EVER again show us what Tony Stark is like when you take away the suit of armor.

10) Unbutton or unzip or open ANYTHING when the phrase 'stark naked' occurs in any conversation.

11) Demonstrate the filtration and recycling abilities of the Iron Man suit.

12) MENTION the filtration and recycling abilities of the Iron Man suit.

13) Replace the entire breakfast menu with sesame seed bagels.

14) ~~Replace government issued coffee makers with state of the art machines.~~ This rule will be waived if the machines are military issue steel, with no inlaid colors and have no A.I. barista.

15) Borrow Captain Rogers' shield to play with it and replace it with painted styrofoam.

16) Borrow Captain Rogers' shield to carry out rigorous scientific experimentation.

17) Lick Captain Rogers' shield.

18) Refer to service personnel as 'Honeybear', 'Sourpatch', 'Cocopuff', 'Sugar Smacks' or any other candy, cereal or food-related product.

19) Refer to the Helicarrier as 'Barbie's Dreamboat'.

20) Paint the Helicarrier pink.

21) Complain that Agent Romanoff stole your kidney 'without a kiss'.

22) Complain that Agent Romanoff stole any other internal or external organ.

23) Complain that Agent Coulson is a 'creepy android'.

24) Complain that Agent Coulson is a 'zombie'.

25) Request Captain Rogers kiss his boo-boo after Agent Coulson tasers him.

26) Install vodka fountain in the meeting room.

27) Install gin fountain in the meeting room.

28) Install any alcoholic beverage dispenser anywhere on SHIELD property.

29) Install any alcoholic beverage dispenser anywhere on SHIELD property even if it's leased from Stark International.

30) Taser Bruce Banner.

31) Tell the Hulk that Coulson tasered him.

32) Feed the Hulk a crate of Twinkies to see the 'sugar rush'.

33) Show the Hulk the movie 'Old Yeller'.

34) Show the Hulk the movie 'Love Story'.

35) Set up a Starbucks outlet on the Helicarrier.

36) Set up a StarkBucks outlet on the Helicarrier.

37) Hack SHIELD's computerized records and globally replace 'Secret' with 'Victoria's Secret'.

38) Use his arc reactor as a light source for obscene hand shadow puppet shows. 

39) Rewrite SHIELD enlistment forms to label height checkbox options as Short, 5'8", and 'Freakishly Tall' 

40) Rewrite SHIELD physical fitness programs to include kissing pushups, at 171 calories in 30 minutes.

41) Rewrite SHIELD physical fitness programs to include removing a brassiere with your mouth at 80 calories.

42) Rewrite SHIELD physical fitness programs to include having sex, including all variations of making out and positions, even if it _has_ been scientifically proven to benefit the cardiovascular system, and can burn up to 207 calories per half hour.

43) Set up caffeine I.V.s in the Helicarrier infirmary. Even personalized ones, marked 'Stark Life Support'.

44) Play repulsor skeet on the landing deck with bottles, fruits, vegetables, or other non-standard targets. 'They started it first' is not an acceptable excuse.

45) Tell Captain Rogers that Vibranium is made from ground-up personal vibrators.

46) Tell Thor that Thorium is made from ground-up clones of Thor.

47) Tell the Hulk that green smoothies are made from ground-up clones of the Hulk. 

48) Show the Hulk the Bonsai Kitten website.

49) Have a Japanese fake food company produce inedible Pop-Tarts to slip into Thor's Cabinet Of Tarts.

50) Place miniature Iron Man and Captain America figures in suggestive poses anywhere on SHIELD property even if it's leased from Stark International.

51) Replace Agent Barton's arrows with rubber-tipped toy versions.

52) Place  Annoy-a-trons in the Helicarrier control room.

53) Place  Annoy-a-trons in Nick Fury's office.

54) Place  Annoy-a-trons anywhere. Exception: Permitted when slipped into Loki's clothing, but NO Remarks concerning 'getting into Loki's pants' may be uttered. At any time.

55) Tell Loki he's looking particularly horny today and offer to introduce him to some nice goats at the petting zoo.

56) Refer to the capture of H.Y.D.R.A. agents as 'dehydrating'.

57) Refer to the escape of H.Y.D.R.A. agents as 'rehydrating'.

58) Hack SHIELD's computerized records and replace names with anagrams, including but not limited to: Nerve Gas, Serve Nag, and Never Sag for Avengers, Satyr Knot for Tony Stark, I Cry Funk for Nick Fury, Reverse Togs for Steve Rogers, Burn Beer Can for Bruce Banner, Born Nil Tact for Clint Barton, Hot Savanna Aroma and Am Anon Ho Avatars for Natasha Romanova. _Note: This has been forwarded to Agent Romanova._

59) Place Bumper Stickers on the Helicarrier, including, but not limited to, those reading: 'Keep honking, I'm reloading!' 'Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car' 'Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes' '186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!' 'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.' 'Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.' 'Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.' 'Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk' 'BAD COP! - NO DONUT!' 'Boldly Going Nowhere ' 'Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!' 'CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.' 'Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes' 'Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.' 'Don't come knocking if the Helicarrier is a'rocking.' 'Don't laugh it's paid for.' 'DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!' 'Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION.' 'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ' 'Earth first... We will strip mine the other planets later.' 'Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.' 'God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.' 'Got Brains?' 'Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!' 'HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER!' 'Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Helicarrier' 'I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.' 'I can resist everything except temptation.' 'I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.' 'I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ' 'I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.' 'I intend to live forever - so far, so good.' 'I left the womb for this?' 'I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. ' 'I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?' 'I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.' 'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....' 'I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me' 'I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.' 'I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?' 'If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Oh, wait, we may be onto something here.' 'If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.' 'Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.' 'It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. ' 'I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.' 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.' 'My god can beat up your god' 'No Radio - Already Stolen!' 'Police line. DO NOT CROSS.' 'Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.' 'Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later' 'Screw you guys, I'm going home!' 'Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.' 'Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them' 'The Earth Is Full - Go Home' 'The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.' 'The world is coming to an end. Please log off.' 'This is the rebel base.' 'This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.' 'WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!' 'Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? ' 'Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?' 'Wink, I'll do the rest!' 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.' 'You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me' and/or 'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.' 

60) Clean Bumper Stickers from the Helicarrier using Repulsor blasts.

61) Place 'Baby on Board' signs on the Helicarrier.

62) Place suction cup Garfield cats on the Helicarrier.

63) Affix kite tails to the Helicarrier.

64) Place anything on the Helicarrier not in the original specifications.

65) Upload revised 'original' Helicarrier specifications.

66) Drop water balloons from the Helicarrier.

67) Drop leaflets advertising Stark products from the Helicarrier.

68) Affix advertising banners to the Helicarrier.

69) Pour bubble bath into the ocean when the Helicarrier is afloat and claim it's your bathtub, and your rubber duckie.

70) Replace the word 'duckie' with rhyming alternatives.

71) Paint racing stripes on the Helicarrier.

72) Replace alert and alarm sounds with Black Sabbath songs.

73) Replace alert and alarm sounds with any Heavy Metal music.

74) Use an empty Iron Man suit as a 'stand-in' at required Avengers' meetings.

75) Forge a note from Doctor Banner claiming a deathly allergy to meetings.

76) Forge a note from Doctor Ruth claiming a sexual phobia triggered by meetings.

77) Forge a note from Doctor Spock claiming trauma associated with your first spanking at a meeting. When you were twenty-four.

78) Show up at meetings and throw paper airplanes. Even if they _are_ prototype models that will revolutionize flight.

79) Divert the Helicarrier to pick up pizza at your favorite shop in New York.

80) Divert the Helicarrier to pick up pizza at your favorite shop in Chicago.

81) Divert the Helicarrier to pick up pizza at your favorite shop in Rome, near the Trevi Fountain.

82) Divert the Helicarrier to pick up any food item, anywhere. Exception: If the Hulk wants a snack.

83) Play Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots with War Machine and Iron Man on the Helicarrier. Even with proceeds going to charity.

84) Define Scotch as a food group and place it on the mess hall menu.

85) Define Vodka as a breath freshener and include it in toiletry kits.

86) Define Dirty Martini as a vitamin supplement and include in personal kits.

87) Declare 'Talk Like a Pirate' Day as an official holiday. 

88) Distribute eye-patches.

89) Distribute hand-hook prosthesis.

90) Build campfire in the control room and tell recruits stories about eye-patch wearing serial killers, with or without hooks for hands.

91) Bring on board the Helicarrier any more parrots trained to sit on my shoulder and curse like sailors. The one is quite sufficient. It is currently being trained to poop on red and gold metal.

92) Paint goatees on any graphic symbols on the Helicarrier.

93) Plank in the Iron Man suit *anywhere* on the Helicarrier.

94) Stand in the control room of the Helicarrier and ask 'are we there yet?'

95) Commandeer the monitors in the Helicarrier in the control room to play 'Robot Unicorn Attack'.

96) Commandeer the monitors in the Helicarrier in the control room to hack 'Robot Unicorn Attack' so the unicorn wins.

97) Program a hidden 'Easter Egg' into the Helicarrier's computer system so that inputting 'Director Fury' plays the Darth Vader theme.

98) Program a hidden 'Easter Egg' into the Helicarrier's computer system so that inputting 'Captain Rogers' plays the Star-Spangled Banner.

99) Program a hidden 'Easter Egg' into the Helicarrier's computer system so that inputting 'Clint Barton' plays Me and My Arrow.

100) Program a hidden 'Easter Egg' into the Helicarrier's computer system so that inputting 'Tony Stark' plays I Am Iron Man.


End file.
